There are very few things I do during the week.  I go to work and I play trivia on Thursday nights at a bar.  Neither of these things is particularly expensive.  If I can entertain myself with my iphone, my wii, my netflix, and my public library, then why do dates have to be so expensive?  (I added in the public library because they have books and dvds for free.  Plus, most of them are geeky, like me, so I can watch my BBC and SyFy dvds for free)  I would have an Xbox, but I get to mooch off my friends for that.

I went out with Bob J last weekend and we played mini golf.  I’m sure you are all familiar with this game.  Small course, tiny putter, the last hole eats your ball.  For 2 games for the two of us, it was $30.  Why?  And then, Bob J decided I was hot (both figuratively and literally) that he bought me a blue slushy.  It was a wonderful gesture that cost $7. 

I am perfectly happy sitting on a couch, watching a dvd, or playing a video game.  Or even doing a puzzle.  Yes, I like puzzles.  They’re fun and take a long time to complete.  Does dating get cheaper?  Or do people just give up and that’s where the comfort zone starts? 

To clarify, I’m not complaining that dating is expensive.  I’ve just never noticed before now.  I guess this knowledge is what comes when you actually find someone who wants to hang out with you.

We are going away this weekend for my birthday.  He says he has something special for me.  I hope it’s not too expensive.  I’ll keep you posted.

I thought about it for a while and decided that it might be a good idea.  I could tell people it happened when I went to Vegas a few weeks ago and we just picked out the band now.  I asked Bob J if it would be okay to wear a wedding band.  I figured he might want a say since we are dating and people might think we are married now.  He said as long as I didn’t wear it all the time, it would be okay.  (Just FYI, I’m still wearing it at 8pm, it’s kind of nice)

Today I wore it for the first time and no one said anything about it.  I thought at least someone would ask.  They all ask about the random zit that comes up on my face or my dry hands in the winter, but no one asked!  I’m not sure if I’m happy that my life doesn’t register with anyone or if it’s so obvious that I will never get married that people don’t think the ring means anything.

Am I disillusioned?  Do people really not notice these things?  I do.  But then again, I’m looking for the man of my dreams.  Bob J is great and he might be the one, but since we’ve only been dating 2 months, I’m not holding my breath.  Although, he did buy me tickets to a concert in October.  I think that’s a good sign.

Let me give you some background.  My parents divorced when I was 5.  I had a horrible childhood and my teen years have scarred me for life, which is one of the reasons I didn’t date for 8 years and why I’m not married.  When my grandmother died this last week, my mother went insane.  She’s pretending like it didn’t happen.  When she has to come to grips with it, she goes into robot mode and does just what needs to be done.  We’ve already cleaned out my grandmother’s apartment and given away all of her things.  It’s like she didn’t exist.  I called my father for support, since my mom was obviously nuts, and he refused to call me back.  For a week.

I called everyone today for Mother’s Day.  My mother was at work, didn’t want to talk to me, and burst into tears as soon as I got on the phone.  I called my step-mother, and she was great.  I ask to talk to my dad and when he gets on the phone, 5 minutes later, I burst into tears.  I couldn’t believe that he could just abandon me when I needed him.  I’ve never asked him for anything.  I asked him why he didn’t want to talk to me and he said he thought I could handle it on my own.  He didn’t know I was sad.  HE DIDN’T KNOW I WAS SAD?!?  Are you kidding me?  The only person in the world who ever loved me died and my mom threw away all her stuff before she was even in the ground.  And you didn’t think I would be sad?  Really? 

I made him cry after the yelling started.  I didn’t mean to, but I guess I was really angry.  I just don’t get it.  I know that he hasn’t been in my mother’s life for 25 years, but I needed the support, not her.  I feel abandoned and stupid for trusting these people.  I know they are my parents, but it seems like neither one of them want me around.  Both of them used the excuse, “I’ve been too busy to call you.”  You know what, it looks like I’m going to be too busy to call, write, or come to your house for the holidays.  You don’t want me around, fine.  I don’t have to be there.

He told me he didn’t have feelings for her.  He told me he didn’t really even want to pick her up and take her on Saturday, but there they are, having a glorious time.  It’s not so bad that they are together.  I’m okay with them being friends and a lot of my friends hug and are touchy feely, so I would be hypocritical of me to say anything.  Also, am I mad because I’m actually mad, or am I mad because I’m freaking out about the relationship because he doesn’t react the way I expect him to so I’m trying to figure out what’s going on.

I will never have a past with him the way she does.  I will never be his first love or his first anything.  It’s hard to realize that the person you have a relationship with still has a relationship with an ex.  Even if the relationship is just a friendship.  I’m just being silly about this, aren’t I?

First, I don’t believe that there is only one person out there for anyone.  I think I could be perfectly happy with lots of people, I just have to get over my attraction to losers.  Second, a week is a very short time to find someone and fall in love.  Maybe I get into relationships too fast, but a week is really really fast.

He did get me thinking about my relationship with Bob J.  Have I moved into this too fast?  Is there a set time frame for things?  I think it’s a good sign that I have not fallen in love yet and that I haven’t decided that he’s the one for me.  I really like him and I want to respect him and learn about him before I fall for him.  Of course, this is the first time that’s happened.  Usually, I do decide in a week or so that the person I’m dating is the one.  This time, I haven’t done that, although, I’ve thought how great it would be if Bob J were the one.

Anyway, Vegas was a bust.  I didn’t win any money and I ate way too much, which is why my work clothes don’t fit this week. :)

I am going out-of-town this weekend and Bob J and I won’t be able to see each other until after May, so I went over to his place last night just to hang out.  I ended up spending the night.  I asked if I could stay and he said yes.  I didn’t think I could leave him right then.  Something felt like I should stay.  I felt fine when I left, but as I drove home and got ready for work, something came over me and I just had this strong feeling of needing to get away.  Nothing went wrong.  He has never said anything but lovely wonderful things to me.  Why would I feel as if I need to get away?

The only thing I can think of is that I’m getting attached and this is now the point to where if we break-up, it’s going to hurt.  I also started thinking about my family and how I didn’t want him to ever think I was anything like them.  They’re not bad people, they just aren’t like me.  I’ve had these thoughts before and usually it ends up with me passively aggressively picking at the person until they break-up with me.  I don’t want to do that.  He’s wonderful and I don’t want to lose him because of my insecurities.

I don’t know if I should talk to him about this stuff.  Is it okay to tell him that I’m getting attached and feel the need to protect myself?  Is that too much?  We’ve only been dating two months.  I’m trying so hard to keep these feelings in check and to realize that they are not what’s real, but a manifestation of previous experiences trying to help me out, but they only end up screwing me over.

The Doctor comes to the rescue of a 7-year-old girl.  He leaves to help the TARDIS and then he comes back 12 years later.  He left again, only to come back 2 years later.  14 years is a long time to wait for anyone.  It got me thinking about waiting.  Should we wait for what we want, or is it better to seek what we want and claim it?

Should you wait for what you want?  I’ve waited for a long time for someone who might love me in the way I deserve to be loved.  I’ve also waited a long time to love someone completely and totally.  Should I have waited?  I don’t know.  Would I be happy now if I were married and had 3 kids?  I’ve had marriage proposals and said no every time because I knew it wasn’t right.  In the Dr’s case I think waiting for him might be too long, but it always seems to work in the favor of the companion.  Rose ends up with a duplicate Dr.  Martha with Mickey, and Donna married to the man of her dreams.  And also winning the lottery. 

There was another Dr. Who episode wherein the characters looked around and found him, essentially claiming what they wanted.  The Dr. seemed amazed by his diligents and his wonderment.  Although, Rose did the same in the second episode.  They knew what they had to do and they did it.  They changed the world because of their curiosity and diligents.

So, which is better?  Waiting for what you want or going after what you want?

I had a boyfriend last year that wouldn’t let me call him my boyfriend.  He wouldn’t let me hang out with his friends.  He wouldn’t contemplate the universe with me.  He was one of the no car, no job guys I dated.  I was completely attached to him.  We dated for 3 months and everyday for the next 4 months I talked to him.  Yes, it was in my head, but I was so attached that I needed that interaction.  I finally went to therapy and discovered somethings about myself.

My friend E dated a girl for a 5 months.  They had dated previously, but he didn’t consider that part of his relationship.  He was devastated when they broke up.  At the same time the girl was becoming good friends with another friend of ours, C.  C became very attached to her and almost threw away 12 years of friendship with all of us for a chance to be friends with her.

What makes us attracted, romantically or otherwise, to certain people?  To be honest, I would never have picked Bob J as a possible boyfriend.  I would have thought he was cute, but not my type.  My type is losery and he is most defiantly not.  I am attached to him.  I don’t really need to know why I’m attached to him, but I would like to know why I find myself attached to people who are bad for me.  Why do people choose to be around people who are bad for them?

I bought him a HUGE drinking goblet that said Pimpin’ on it.  It was bedazzled. It was pretty awesome.  He filled it with 3 sodas and some liquor and was not coherent for the rest of the evening.  Yes, the goblet held all 3 sodas at once.  I told you, it’s HUGE.  His friends were super funny and nice and I even got to meet his little brother, who is actually taller than he is, which is a feat in and of itself. 

At one point during the evening, the brother’s girlfriend asked why I hadn’t met the mom yet.  I tried to explain about how you can’t just meet parents, you have to know someone first and figure out if it’s someone you should introduce.  You don’t want your mom’s opinion unless you plan on keeping someone around for a while.  She looked at me like I was from another planet and then proceeded to tell me about how she met the mom 2 days after they started dating.  Bob J just looked at me like he didn’t know what to do.  I’m sure he didn’t.  How do you respond to that?  “I guess Bob J doesn’t like me as much as Bob S likes you.”  or perhaps, “Just because we are sleeping together doesn’t mean I have to meet his parents” or maybe, “I’m not ready to meet parents!!” or my personal favorite, “If I meet his parents, that means we are getting married.”  I don’t know, I could come up with a million different wacky answers.  Truth is, I’m not ready to meet his parents or for him to meet mine.  He’ll see the people I come from and most likely will run screaming from the room.  How would you like to be stuck with 2 hippy parents and 2 super conservative parents?  I’m surprised I’m not in a loony bin.  That’s right, I have 4 parents.  It’s the only good thing about divorce, I get 4 people to forget my birthday.

Overall, it was a great party.